


Prank Call  (#1 of the Blooper Reel Series)

by Togepi_and_Tea



Series: Blooper Reel [1]
Category: The Worst Witch (TV 2017), The Worst Witch - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Fluff, Hicsqueak, Innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27027238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Togepi_and_Tea/pseuds/Togepi_and_Tea
Summary: What do you get when you mix strange personalities, magical powers, and boredom? Answer: incidents which Cackle's staff would rather you never find out about. This fic is the first of a series of OneShots documenting everything that goes wrong in the Academy, ranging from drunken prank calls, enchanted board games, Spin the Bottle, Poker, The Sims 4 livestreams based on the teachers, and much more, captures these moments. Contains Hicsqueak.This first installation tells the story of drunk Dimity and Maria using a voice-changing potion to make a prank call whilst pretending to be H.B. Who do you think they'll call?
Relationships: Hardbroom/Pentangle, Hardbroom/Pentangle (Worst Witch), Hecate Hardbroom/Pippa Pentangle
Series: Blooper Reel [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978459
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	Prank Call  (#1 of the Blooper Reel Series)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my lovelies! This story will be a series of OneShots (or two-part stories for longer instalments) about how Cackle’s Academy residents alleviate their boredom, and how mixing magic with boredom is often a bad, yet comical, idea. This is similar to a fic I wrote under the moniker Nic Neptune entitled ‘53 Things to Do When You’re Bored in Cackle’s’ which was based on the 1998 series. Hope you enjoy this, and thanks for reading!
> 
> Disclaimer: I am writing this for fun, not profit. The Worst Witch concept, characters, and universe belong to Jill Murphy, the CBBC and Netflix.

**Prank Call (The First):**

Miss Maria Tapioca was a strong-willed woman. Everyone who knew her was afraid of her (except Mabel) and the tragedy of Maria Tapioca was that most people didn’t give her a chance to show her soft heart beneath the prickly veneer. Yes, at heart, the loud, abrasive Maria was a romantic spirit, and would walk barefoot through razorblades if it would benefit Mabel.

Only two people in Cackle’s Academy saw through the façade – Beatrice and Dimity.

Dimity wanted to reach out to Maria for some time, what with her spending so much time alone in the dungeons, but with the Academy facing one calamity after another, then her injury to contend with (and her duties as Star of the Sky, naturally) she couldn’t find time. That is, until one Friday afternoon after her last class, when she found the chef reading a romantic novel with her feet bathing in a pot that looked disconcertingly like the one she’d seen her cook porridge in.

‘I hope you don’t cook with that thing.’

Maria scrunched up her face as if a sewage pipe just burst.

‘It adds flavour.’

Dimity stared at her, agog.

‘You know what,’ Maria said, swinging her feet out of the pot onto a towel, and slamming her book on the counter, ‘I’m sick of this. You lot only ever come down here when you want something. " _The porridge is too cold,_ ” she assumed the voice of a child, then swapped to a mock adult pitch, “ _Listen Miss Tapioca, could you cook the lamb a little more next time_ – and five minutes later another one of you comes down – _oh Miss Tapioca, lamb was lovely, but could you do it a bit rarer next time_. And now you accuse me of disgusting hygiene habits in my own kitchen – I’m not having it, Miss Drill.’

‘I was only joking; I only came down because Mr. Daisy has been depressed all day, and I wondered if you’d had a tiff.’

‘Came to see if I was all right, did you?’

Dimity nodded.

Maria sighed, dabbing her feet with the towel. 

‘It’s Mabel. I knew she was suspicious of him at first, but I thought at the end of last year they were making some progress.’

‘What did he break this time?’

‘Some machine she’d constructed – I daren’t ask what for. He got it into his head that he could make it more efficient, so he adjusted it a bit. Problem was when Mabel used it, not knowing he’d been at it, it started smoking, set off a little explosion. Unfortunately, this happened at the Young Witch Inventors competition, and she was a laughing stock.’

‘Oooh, that’s not good. So they’ve still not made up?’

‘Well you know what Mabel’s like. She appreciates his apology and his having gone to the judges to explain what happened. They’ve agreed to let her enter again, but she’ll not admit it - wants to make him suffer first, so he’s on edge. No fun to be around and he didn’t even like my Saturday Surprise.’

Dimity did not want to know what this ‘Saturday Surprise’ entailed, but she prayed it was edible.

‘Then it’s a good thing I’ve come to the rescue,’ said Dimity. ‘A friend of mine invited me to her hen-do; thing is, I only know her and I’d feel a bit awkward with her other friends, so I wondered if you’d come with me.’

‘Me? Why me?’

‘Well you’re stuck down in the dungeons on your own most of the time, and I think you’d be great fun.’

‘Oh, Dimity,’ Maria stood up, clasping her hands in front of her chest. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘Say nothing – we’re in a rush. Get changed and meet me at the main entrance at five.’

* * *

Dimity’s intuition about Maria was spot on – she was so much fun that they forgot about the bride-to-be, and went on a pub-crawl. For someone who claimed to shun the nightlife, Maria sure knew the best witch’s bars, where they served Witch’s Brew strong enough to knock even the Star of the Sky off her broom.

Dear reader, I could tell you of their antics, and about the awkward incident involving a police officer, a geranium, and a dog, but I think it pertinent to get to the best part of the night (or rather, early morning).

Somehow they managed not to fall off their brooms, and eventually made it back to the Academy. By the time they returned, the cool air had sobered them up a little. They still clattered through doors, laughing, guffawing, screeching, and unable to walk in a straight line, but once they were seated in the school kitchens, eating a pizza, their speech was coherent, though slurred.

They never figured out if the pineapple on the pizza was a result of a drunken decision or a badly-cast spell; they just knew it tasted amazing (doesn’t everything for the post-drink munchies?).

‘Oh Dimity, you have made my night… no, my year. I haven’t been so happy since Mr. Daisy… well… I don’t think you want to hear that story…’

‘You really like Mr. Daisy, don’t you?’ Dimity asked, sighing and feeling wistful.

‘He’s a dear, and as my mother used to say, still waters run deep; a fantastic man and an even better lover.’

‘I think you’ve had enough to drink,’ Dimity giggled. ‘I just cannot imagine sweet Mr. Daisy doing…’ she trailed off, shuddering.

‘Time you got a man,’ said Maria.

‘Hmmm…. It’s hard to meet anyone decent in a place like this.’

‘If only you were into women. I think you could’ve had H.B. the time those first years put that hex on her.’

Dimity chuckled.

‘Oh, you know what, a good dose of that would do her good. She’s so uptight.’

‘We could do that,’ Maria said, somewhat ponderous. She locked eyes with Dimity and the plan was set. But even drunk Dimity knew it was a bad idea to interfere with H.B.

‘And who would we try to get her to go off with?’

‘Pippa, you numpty.’

‘Oooh that’s amazing. But how would we do it?’

‘Use a voice-changing potion, you novice! Call Pippa as Hardbroom, vice versa, a bit of flirtation, arrange for them to meet, and they’ll do the rest.’

‘But they have a love-hate relationship at the best of times. It might not work, and then she’ll kill us.’ 

‘You need to use your head, Drill. If it works, we’ve done a good deed. If not, think how funny it’ll be.’

Ah, what a beautiful thing drunken logic is…

‘I’m not her biggest fan, but even I’d love her to end up with Pippa; might make her more pleasant. And even I wouldn’t like to set her up if it goes wrong.’

‘Whatever, it’s up to you. I just thought you might like retribution for her saying that the only reason they made you Star of the Sky was because nobody wanted you on the ground.’

‘She what?’

‘And that you put the _dim_ in _Dimity_. You’re a bigger person than me, Dimity. I could never let that go.’

Dimity’s face reddened by the second.

‘Being Star of the Sky is no laughing matter. The work! The sacrifice! To make light of such a sacred title is going too far! I’m dim, am I? Oh, she’s in for it. She’s in for it now. Come on, I know what to do.’

* * *

They had two destinations: the potion’s lab, where conveniently the first years had made voice-altering potions a week earlier, and then Miss Cackle’s office, which contained the only working phone in the castle.

‘Dimity, I’ve been thinking. Embarrassing H.B. on the phone might backfire – what if Pippa actually likes it? I mean, they’ve had a _will they or won’t they_ vibe since they met.’

‘Oh the Pippa Plan was nice Dimity. You’re about to see Dimity when she’s pissed.’

Dimity produced a vial with a sprayer attached. She sprayed a few drops into her mouth, grimaced at the taste, and sat down in Ada’s seat. She brushed a few crumbs from the table, pulled the vintage telephone towards her, and after several failed attempts, managed to dial the correct number. Maria sat at the opposite side of the desk, her elbow on the table, resting her chin in her hand. She wavered like a flower in the breeze.

‘Who on Earth is this and why are you calling me at this hour?’ asked the Great Wizard, grumbling, groaning, and making strange boar noises.

‘Oh, Your Greatness, I apologise,’ Dimity said with Hecate’s voice. Maria’s head slipped from her hand and she only stifled a screech when Dimity kicked her underneath the table.

‘Miss Hardbroom? I trust you have an explanation for arousing me at such an unsociable hour?’

‘Arouse,’ purred _Hecate_ , rolling her tongue on the r, ‘I certainly didn’t mean to arouse you, Your Greatness, not at such an unwitchly hour anyway.’

‘Get to the point, woman!’

‘Oh I intend to. To get to the _point_ is exactly why I called you.’

‘Have you had too much Witch’s Brew, Miss Hardbroom?’

‘No. Well, just a stiff one.’

‘I thought you detested that kind of thing.’

‘You know me, Your Greatness. I like to try new things.’

Dimity heard scuffling noises through the phone. Then the Great Wizard cleared his throat, his breathing heavy. He was fighting for the right words.

‘I hope I haven’t gotten you up, Your Greatness!’

‘Up? Oh, don’t mind that Miss… _Hecate_. I always have time for a valued colleague. Is everything all right at your end?’

‘All normal, Your Greatness. I actually wanted to call you regarding some school _affairs._ ’

‘Did you indeed?’

‘Yes. Well, I wanted to thank you for reinstating Ada after the debacle with Mrs. Hallow.’

‘It was the right thing to do.’

‘Oh yes. But you acted so swiftly – I admire that in a man.’

‘Really? In my experience, most women never appreciate swiftness.’

‘I’m not like most women.’

‘I’m starting to see that, Hecate. May I ask… is that the only reason you called?’

‘Forgive me. I digress. I was wondering if you would come to the Academy for some… say private instruction.’

‘And what could a witch of your caliber hope to learn from me?’

‘I’ve been curious for some time… I’ve always wanted to try it with a staff.’

‘I remember you vowing that you would only ever use your fingers.’

‘Like I said, Your Greatness, I’m eager to try new things.’

‘I’m curious, Hecate. You claim to loathe technology; I’m surprised you didn’t use the magic mirror.’

‘Well, I hoped for a private audience with Your Greatness, and if anyone walked in, how could I explain speaking with you at such an hour? The phone is much more discrete.’

‘You’ve an excellent mind, for a woman. So… what next?’

‘Well, I was hoping for a lesson as soon as you can. Could you come first thing in the morning?’

‘I assure you I can. If you want to keep these lessons private, I suggest an out-of-the-way location. Say, your quarters?’

‘You read my mind, Your Greatness.’

‘Please. Call me Egbert.’

‘Then I’ll see you in the morning, Egbert.’

‘Indeed, Hecate, indeed. Goodnight.’

Dimity placed the phone back on the receiver, and returned it to its previous place. Neither lady spoke for several moments. Then Maria broke the silence with a hacking laugh.

‘You’re a fiend, Dimity. Remind me never to cross you.’

‘Serves her right; people like her are why all Stars of the Sky have faced adversity. No respect. I’m sick of it.’

‘Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m knackered… problem is… where is my room?’

‘I’ll show you, then get some shuteye myself. Thank God I’ve a free class in the morning.’

* * *

Go out they said. Have a drink they said. It’ll be fun they said.

 _Like hell it is_ Dimity groaned, closing her throbbing eyes and covering them with her hands. She felt as if not just its contents, but as if her stomach itself would pop out to say hello. Dimity had never experienced so sickening a hangover, even after her celebration for being declared Star of the Sky. Thank heck witches had potions for hangovers.

She rolled onto her side, and with a groan, heaved herself into a seated position. Before the potion had a chance to take effect, her door flew open and smashed into the wall. Dimity exclaimed, covering her eyes and bending into the fetal position.

‘Dimity. Dimity. We’ve done something terrible,’ Maria said.

Memories of last night returned; a stream of images like a movie reel played out before her. The hen-do, forgetting about the hen-do, the pub crawl, that incredibly tasty yet powerful Witch’s Brew with more of a kick than a kangaroo, and drinking copious amounts of it. That damn policeman, the unfortunate dog and that bloody geranium. Oh God… THE BLOODY PHONE.

‘Oh shit. Tell me I’m dreaming.’

‘How can I ever look anyone straight in the face again?’ Maria panicked, eyes agape, biting her fingernails.

‘Calm down, it’s still early. Maybe we can fix it.’

‘Fix it? We can’t un-eat it!’ she said. Then a pause. Inspiration... ‘Can we? Is it too late to throw it up?’

‘What the hell are you on about, Tapioca?’

‘Pineapple on pizza, Miss Drill! Oh, if anyone finds out I ate that abomination I’ll never live it down.’

‘That’s what you’re worried about? Really? Don’t you remember? We set the Great Wizard on Miss Hardbroom. Heads are going to roll. And F.Y.I. pineapple on pizza is amazing.’

‘Are you sick in the head?’

‘We haven’t time to argue about this now. We need to stop him!’

Dimity, her hangover forgotten, grabbed Maria’s arm and dashed out of the room and through the halls.

‘Fine, but don’t think I’m letting this go, Drill,’ Maria shouted as they ran.

They were around the corner when they heard an agonised roar from Hecate’s quarters. They were just on time to see him stumble through Hecate’s door. Soon the apoplectic visage of the potion’s mistress followed, the blood rushing to her head. Dimity had never seen such animation on that face.

‘You’re nothing but a damn _femme fatale_! A vicious vamp! You women blow more hot and cold than that Katy Perry!’

‘And you’ve got a case of brain fever it seems,’ Hecate replied, regaining self control.

Fortunately, Ada chose this moment to come to the rescue. The Great Wizard wanted Hecate dismissed on the spot, and when Ada reminded him that this was forbidden, he insisted on charging her for assault and taking the matter to the Council. However, as Headmistress, Ada had the right to mediate before such steps were taken, and all parties were sent to her office. She asked Dimity and Maria to attend also, as witnesses.

So peeved was the Great Wizard that he forgot he was a wizard and walked. As he passed, they observed a burned area around the crotch of his robe. A burned section revealed his yellow Y-fronts and hirsute legs.

On their way to Ada’s office, they encountered Pippa, who, unusually for her, had messy hair, and her dress was wrinkled.

‘Why did I just pass a limping Hellibore with a burn around his crotch?’ she asked.

‘Pippa, what are you doing here?’ Dimity asked.

‘Me? Oh, nothing. Just came to see Hecate. Catch up on old times. What the hell happened? I heard a ruckus.’

‘Seems H.B. was the one to injure him,’ Maria smirked.

‘Wha- Hecate? Why?’

‘You better come with us to Miss Cackle’s office.’

‘Just a minute,’ said Pippa. She waved her hand over her face and body, engulfing herself in a pink mist. She emerged from it moments later fully dressed and impeccably presented.

* * *

They opened the door and entered discreetly, lingering near the exit. Hecate was standing with folded arms just behind Ada, to her left, and the Great Wizard occupied the spot usually reserved for misbehaving students. Ada pinched the top of her nose with her thumb and index finger, eyes shut, seemingly in pain.

‘Let me get this straight… You, Your Greatness, claim that Hecate made certain promises via telephone with you last night, and that when you met her this morning, as arranged with Hecate herself, she proceeded to attack you.’

‘We’ve been over this, Cackle. It’s a private matter, and I’d appreciate it if as little people knew as possible,’ he looked at the new arrivals.

‘Oh, hello Miss Pentangle,’ said Ada. ‘Well, I must speak to Miss Drill and Miss Tapioca as witnesses.

She ascertained the following: yes, they’d witnessed the tail end of the alleged assault. They didn’t observe the Great Wizard’s behaviour prior, and thus could only vouch for Hellibore and not Hecate.

‘Oh dear,’ Ada whispered, avoiding everyone’s eyes.

‘Ada, you know I wouldn’t lie,’ whispered Hecate.

‘I know, but I’m afraid it’s out of my hands, Hecate. There’ll have to be an investigation, of course, but so far it’s your word against his.’

‘What’s this about?’ asked Pippa.

‘ _His Greatness_ ,’ Hecate snarled, ‘arrived at my quarters this morning, and proceeded to grab me in an embrace… it seems his intentions were… amorous…’ she grimaced. ‘I reacted in self-defence, and he claims that I arranged a… _paramour_ with him in the night. As he can prove he’s been injured and that the call originated from this office, and I cannot dispute his claim of prior arrangements, the blame seems to fall on me.’

‘But you were with me all night,’ Pippa exclaimed.

Ada: ‘What?’

Dimity: ‘What?’

Maria: ‘What?’

Hellibore: ‘What?’

Oh, such perfect unison in reality makes life seem like a musical…

‘Oh,’ Pippa added, smiling nervously, glancing at Hecate whose face was as red as her own. ‘Shit,’ she whispered inwardly.

All eyes landed on Hecate who rubbed the back of her neck and looked at some indistinguishable point in the distance.

‘Is this true, Hecate?’ asked Ada.

‘Yes,’ she mumbled, turning her back to the room.

‘Wow,’ said Dimity, looking at Maria, feeling a touch of excitement.

‘She didn’t need _us_ to help her, then,’ said Maria, who was promptly shut up with an elbow in the ribs.

‘Can anyone else verify you were together?’ asked Ada, too relieved at Hecate’s redemption to read between the lines.

‘No, unfortunately. We were catching up on old times and simply fell asleep. In my quarters.’

‘Aha!’ exclaimed the Great Wizard, stamping his foot. ‘Hardbroom could have slipped out of the room while you were asleep and made the call.’

Pippa narrowed her eyes.

‘But we didn’t get any sleep.’

Hellibore’s face dropped. Pippa, once more, only realised how revealing her statements were after she spoke.

‘Then what the hell else would you have been doing?’ asked Hellibore.

Pippa blushed from forehead to neck, and her chest came out in a rash.

‘Oh, I see: the Headmistress popping over to the other school to spend the night with the Deputy Head, and during term. Not a good look, Miss Pentangle. I’m sure the parents will agree. But I’m willing to keep the affair quiet if you are, hmmm?’

‘No,’ Pippa replied. ‘I… Hecate, I’m sorry, and I’ll do whatever you want, but I’m not willing to just stand by and watch this… oaf! … end your career. I don’t care who you tell. I’ll back up Hiccu-Hecate.’

Again, all eyes were on Hecate. Her entire body tensed, and an idiot could look at her and see the rush of emotions she was struggling to suppress. Her face beetroot red, she replied, nonetheless,

‘I… shan’t… deny it either.’

She heaved a sigh, tears almost bursting from her moist eyes. Hecate struggled to regain control of her breathing.

‘Well then,’ beamed Ada. ‘In my eyes, Hecate has been exonerated. You must have been the victim of a prank, Your Greatness. And to be perfectly frank, after this morning’s revelations, I think most would highly doubt that Hecate would invite you here for a tryst considering that you’re clearly not her type. Is he, Hecate?’

‘Most certainly not,’ Hecate grinned.

‘But the call came from your phone,’ the Great Wizard said.

‘Well, I was hoping we could resolve this matter without having to produce this, but whoever made the call left this after them.’

She produced the vial of voice-changing potion.

‘Your first years made this, didn’t they Hecate?’

‘A week ago, yes.’

‘So there’s plenty in the potion’s lab, where anyone might have access to it?’

‘That is so.’

‘So, Your Greatness, would you like to take this matter to the Council?’

Hellibore growled (yes, actually growled).

‘Oh, I’ll remember this, you mark my words. I want the culprit found and punished.’

He disappeared in a puff of black smoke.

‘Well, glad that’s sorted out,’ beamed Ada. ‘I say let’s brew a lovely pot of tea. Who’s in?’

‘You know Ada,’ Dimity said, ‘if you brought out the vial sooner, Pippa and Hecate wouldn’t have had to come out.’

Ada thought about that, then nodded.

‘True. But had you not made the call in the first place, none of this would have happened.’

‘Ho-ho-ho-how di-did you arrive… at such a supposition...?’ Dimity backed away towards the door as Hecate’s face grew increasingly livid.

‘Next to the vial was a pendent. A Star, as is often worn by the Star of the Sky.’

Hecate was about to launch into a tirade when Dimity looked at her watch.

‘Oh look at the time! Time I was doing… things… Star of the Sky things… very far away. Bye!’

She rushed from the room before Hecate succeeded in stopping her.

‘Incidentally, Hecate, Pippa,’ Ada said before the pair had made their retreat. ‘I think you make a great couple,’ she smiled.

**FINIS**

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! Usually I would end right where the Great Wizard let out a roar, and let the reader’s imagination decide what horror occurs next, but I couldn’t resist the little Hicsqueak twist at the end. What can I say, I’m a sucker for happy endings! Thank you for reading, and I shall post again soon.


End file.
